The Married and Singles Series – It’s Not All About You

Young Couple Quarreling

I can’t speak for marriages outside of a Christian union joined together by God, but when you belong to Christ your marriage is to glorify Him. When you accept the calling, you willingly open yourself up to the job and the purpose God desires to bring about. A healthy marriage will bear good fruit. It is sacred and should never be viewed as anything negative like “the ball and chain.” Your marriage is a gift and a privilege. And just like anything else worth having, it will require love, patience, passion, time, dedication, persistence, and lots of prayer to make it work.

You both come to the table with certain strengths and weaknesses, and God will certainly stretch and mature you in the process. Marriage is not something to do to pass time or a spectator sport—it’s ministry. Your participation in it will get you into tip top shape spiritually if you allow the Lord to lead and guide you.

Even a healthy marriage will still have its ups and downs, tests and trials, frustrations, challenges, disagreements, seasons of hardship, roadblocks, sufferings, and hurt. At times you may find that it is just too much work involved, which may lead you to stop participating in it emotionally or physically. But, when you two stay close to the only One that can get you through, your test becomes a testimony, your trust grows, and your faith increases by leaps and bounds.

You will see the fruit of your labor and a harvest for your sacrifices. You’ll feel glee when you can look back on how far you’ve come. These times bring about the wisdom and understanding you can only get by going through things together.

When going through things it will always be easy to point the finger and blame the other, but we must always be honest enough to look at ourselves to see if we are contributing to any of the rifts. Depending on the situation, it could be yes and maybe no.  This is when your relationship with God comes into play because you will be seeking Him for answers and for guidance to get through things.

As a side note, please don’t confuse this with me saying you may be contributing to abuse or anything along that line. That’s a totally different subject. If you’re involved in a marriage that is outright going against God please seek help.

What I am referring to are things like bad habits, selfishness, stubbornness, or our unwillingness to be a team player. These seemingly small things can destroy a marriage. They don’t radiate the love and grace God wants you to exhibit towards your husband. In fact they are poisonous! They have no place in a marriage.

It’s easy to get so wrapped up in the world of “me” and “I” and forget that there is another living breathing soul you promised to love, honor, and cherish for better or for worse.

The man that may be irritating you at times, does not understand your feelings, or is not listening to you; please remember he bought his background and habits into the marriage too. And just as you’re frustrated, so is he, and he feels as though he is not being respected, encouraged, and supported in becoming the husband and man God is calling them to be.

Men can feel lost in seasons of their life and they feel pain also. There is a lot of pressure on them to be strong, as well as be a good leader and provider. Since he does not show it like you, he still hurts. What’s worse is when you seem to be doing fine and going on with the day-to-day while the big problems in the marriage hadn’t been dealt with. When things aren’t resolved and he does not feel needed, his spirit feels crushed and he shuts down. You feel like he doesn’t get it and he says the same about you. He feels that you don’t need him or the abilities he brings to the table because you aren’t coming to him.

You both must let go of all pride and trust in the Lord because your needs are drastically different.

Don’t get me wrong, there are also times where you’re doing all you can and that man is just not connected to God the same as you are. It’s great to be able to grow together, but that’s not always the case. Your marriage will require a lot more to get to a certain level; this is why one of the fruit of the Spirit is longsuffering (Galatians 5:22-23). You can’t obtain it in your own strength; it is a gift of the Holy Spirit. As my late Pastor Gooden would say, “love suffers.”

Sometimes love is suffering long because we can sometimes get hung up on our desires based off of previous relationships, other peoples relationships, daydreams, what we read in books, watch on a television shows/movies, or listen to in love songs.

These things can bring unrealistic ideals into a marriage and make things all about you and what you want.

But, real life is “your” marriage and “your” husband. You have to work with what’s in front of you, not the past or what someone else has.

No man can be everything to you. No matter how much he tries he will fail and disappoint you. We are not built to carry our own burdens or anyone else’s; we must give them to God and not a man made in God’s image. He’s human just as you are, and he cannot be everything you want him to be, so please eliminate any unrealistic expectations that you’ve placed on him.

If he doesn’t want to do what God asks you two to do, then you must be obedient to God regardless of what he is doing. This is where the challenge comes in because you’re a unit. What he does will affect you and vice versa. If children are involved it will affect them as well. You may feel lonely and tired because you’re just not on the same page. Not being in agreement is painful.

This is especially hard for those who got saved after marriage and he doesn’t want any parts of Jesus or church. Talk about feeling alone. You want your husband to experience the goodness of God and the joy you have in your life and he is not interested.

Right now God knows how to strengthen you during this time. You’ll have to seek His wisdom on what to do. Amos 3:3 KJV says, Can two walk together; except they be agreed? Your husband is receiving spiritual benefits from your compliance with God, though in the flesh you are not on the same page. As you two are joined in marriage two are still walking together because you’re walking with God and not trying to fix or change him on your own. You’re interceding on his behalf and have handed the situation over to the Lord realizing He’s the only One that can do something with it.

When you’re weak in your marriage, His grace is abundant, but you have to give up the negative thoughts and walk by faith.  2 Corinthians 12:9 KJV says, And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.

Your love may be suffering long right now, but God’s strength is made PERFECT when you submit yourself to Him. In the flesh we will always be weak so it’s in the spirit where you will experience God’s power working through your marriage.

It’s normal to want to do everything together. You want to experience prayer, reading, and worship with your husband. But don’t give up hope. The effectual fervent prayers of the righteous man availeth much (James 5:16,) and you are laying up eternal rewards by doing the right thing. Your service to God through your marriage will not be forgotten. Your seeds will grow if you’re doing God’s will. And just as the Lord was patient with you over the years, you will need to be patient with your husband. Pray that you learn to accept your husband for who he is and where he is right now, all while never ceasing to pray for him.

Marriage is not for the faint at heart and these situations come to make you and your marriage strong. They aren’t enjoyable while you’re going through them, but to get through you have to find a way to get the focus off of yourself.


  1. Cornelius Haugabook says:

    I love this article! It has captured everything you might ever encounter in your marriage. My marriage of is a partnership that glorifies God and I’m so thankful for it!

  2. Thanks Neil, I really asked the Holy Spirit to lead me in writing this while trying to see it from both sides. I will definitely be using this advice when I get married again :-)!

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